There is a pompous and exaggerated style of marching here practiced by virtually anyone involved in a public function. The straight legged-deadfaced-stare ahead- arm swinging can be seen in parades, civic functions, and on this day, across the concrete soccer field at school. The dogs all sat up on their hind legs and "saluted" the kids surrounding them, they rolled over, they "stayed." Betty, a teacher from Australia tapped me on the arm and said, "Smell that? I think they've poured gasoline on something and their going to light it up." "Plucky Australian," I thought to myself, " no one is pulling the wool over her eyes," and as if on cue, a uniformed assistant carried out two pairs of wrought iron rings covered in cloth saturated with gas. As the assistant held a match to the rings they were immediately engulfed in flames sending dense plumes of black smoke into the crystal clear air. A student grabbed Betty's sleeve and asked if she thought it was strange to do an activity causing so much pollution on the day after Earth Day. "I reckon it is strange," she replied.
Astonishingly, three of the dogs jumped through the flaming obstacles without hesitation. The fourth however, the German Shepard, would have nothing to do with it and steered away from the flames at the last minute each time his handler brought him near. Smart dog, I thought. After the show three students came up to me and commented on how sad they felt for the dogs. I did too, but knowing the hellish existence that so many dogs experience here, I was glad that these four were at least being fed and cared for.
What exactly is it with school assemblies anyway?
In my seven years of classroom teaching I have seen some doozies. Back in the states my all time favorite was the Karate teacher who arrived with his clan carrying a flashing boom-box. Predictably, as he pressed play and cranked the volume up to 10 in the cafeteria, I heard the first staccato power-guitar chords of "The Eye of the Tiger" as blank faced kids went through the punching and grunting and kicking motions of their routine. Ironically, the Sensei even looked a bit like Will Ferrel. After the mullet inspiring 80's rock fest, his students went on to demonstrate how to disarm foes coming at you with you handguns, utilizing yellow and red rubber replicas. What, I wondered, must the kindergartners be thinking?
Another assembly to remember was the visit from Rocco, the crime dog. Rocco, a German Shepard, was on the large side of his breed. The two officers working with him needed a volunteer to put one of those "bite my arm" protection sleeves on, and defy them. I was the lucky guy who got to play that role. From across the playground the officers yelled for me to come over to them to which I replied "Make me!" Enter Rocco. He ran across that field at me like he was on a mission from God, and perhaps he was because he launched, superman style, from 10 feet away from me and locked onto my arm with the pinpoint accuracy of a surgical strike. Yeah, Rocco could probably make me do anything he wanted. Once he was done with me it was time for Rocco to find drugs. That's right, the officers arrived at our rural elementary school with an ammo-box filled with pot and cocaine. Really. They planted both substances on the fourth grade teacher and let Rocco do his thing. Again I wondered, what must the kindergartners be thinking?
While I have never seen a dog jump through a flaming hoop at a United States school assembly, it is a fair assumption that these events have a propensity for weirdness wherever they are staged. Is it because the audience is captive? Maybe it's the ultimate example of getting what you pay for.
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